Step 1: Make it.

Today I finally worked up the nerve, after thinking about working up the nerve for over a year, to ask my psychiatrist about what "family planning" may entail in my particular case.  I asked her if she had guided bipolar patients through pregnancy before; she has, which is a relief.  I don't need to change psychiatrists to be able to see myself through.

She also assured me that the type of medication I'm on won't require me to be unmedicated prior to conception.  Once I know I'm pregnant, we can proceed to taper off at that point.  It won't interfere with development, and the medications I'm on aren't ones of serious worry.  This leaves only perhaps high-risk OBGYN visits.

But really nothing about my oversight will be changing.  Just adding visits in addition to a doctor I already trust.  She frankly said just call me once you know.  I'll know second.  Well, third.  Your husband will be second.

Not having an indefinite period of being unmedicated is quite a weight off my shoulders.  There's a small window of fetal development that I can't interfere in, and then it sounds like I can go back on things once the fetus is functioning well.  I can hold out through it or go back on.

So this leaves only postpartum issues as the main worry.  I get to the other side, and worry about remaining stable then.

I can do this.  It seems more manageable.  I could always do it.  I'm stronger now . . . everyone says so . . . I'm 9.5 years past that place . . . can I maintain that as the worst I ever have?

{"Alone", Unknown Artist.}

All of the What Ifs

{"Isolation by Irene Langholm, DeviantArt}

I was fine until they started getting anecdotal.  My pregnancy was like this.  My labor was this long.  My baby weighed this.  Then I went from neutral to back again.  Back to the place where I can't have the pregnancy I want.  To where I have NO idea how badly I could spiral.  To where I can't just find out I'm pregnant on a Sunday afternoon.  Where I have to sit with specialists who carefully taper down my medications and tell me exactly when to copulate.  

It feels devoid of joy.  All worry, no whimsy.  All business, no discovery.  I know I'm front loading the experience, but how can I not?  I'm walking right into a circumstance that could hospitalize me.  Purposefully.  Because I totally can't wait to be psychotic again.  And have it affect another being as well.  

I wonder if I would just let it ride, without Ed's sweet eagerness.  I don't think I would.  I think I would want to eventually.  Maybe I would reach about 37 and say wait a minute, this is something I want to struggle for.  But right now, testing the waters, knowing it's ahead, feels like hopelessness.

So many people are worse off, which make me feel even WORSE about all my brooding.  But then again they weren't in that bed, in that hospital, looking at that orderly, yelling things down the hallway.

My life is "normal" now.  I'm the best I've ever been.  Of course I want to stay there.  

That whimsical Sunday afternoon is my Disney dream.  And no amount of wishing upon a star can make it happen without repercussion.  

I'm Gonna Marry the Night . . .

. . . I won't give up on my life;

I'm a warrior queen, live passionately tonight.

I'm gonna marry the dark,

Gonna make love to this dark

I'm a soldier to my own emptiness, I'm a winner . . .

I'm gonna marry the night . . . I'm gonna marry the night . . . I'm gonna marry the niiiiight -

I'm gonna marry the night! 

I'm not gonna cry anymore -

I'm gonna marry the night; 

Leave nothing on these streets to explore!

Mah mah mah marry, mah mah mah marry, mah mah mah marry the night!  Mah mah mah marry, mah mah mah marry, mah mah mah marry the night!

I'm gonna lace up my boots,

Throw on some lace tights and cruise

down the streets that I love,

in my fishnet gloves I'm a sinner.

Then I'll go down to the bar,

but I won't cry anymore -

hold my whiskey up high,

kiss the bartender twice.

(I'm a loser.)

I'm gonna marry the night . . . I'm gonna marry the night . . . I'm gonna marry the niiiiight -

I'm gonna marry the night! 

I'm not gonna cry anymore -

I'm gonna marry the night; 

Leave nothing on these streets to explore!

Mah mah mah marry, mah mah mah marry, mah mah mah marry the night!  Mah mah mah marry, mah mah mah marry, mah mah mah marry the night!

Nothing's too cool

to take me from you;

Ybor is not just a tan that you never lose.

Love is the new denim or black;

Dancing all night, I'm becoming and addict

Kissing my girls, yeah I trust it so much

Don't poke holes in my dream cause that's where I find love - !

Come on and run!!!

Turn the night on and run!!!

I'm gonna marry the night!

I'm gonna burn a hole in the floor;

I'm gonna marry the night!

Leave nothing on these streets to explore!

Mah mah mah marry, mah mah mah marry, mah mah mah marry the night!  Mah mah mah marry, mah mah mah marry, mah mah mah marry the night!

I'm gonna marry - 

Marry -

I'm gonna marry -

Marry -

C'mon, c'mon, the night!

The night!

The night!

The night!

The night!

The night ---

(GaGa.)