4.01.2015

All of the What Ifs

{"Isolation by Irene Langholm, DeviantArt}

I was fine until they started getting anecdotal.  My pregnancy was like this.  My labor was this long.  My baby weighed this.  Then I went from neutral to back again.  Back to the place where I can't have the pregnancy I want.  To where I have NO idea how badly I could spiral.  To where I can't just find out I'm pregnant on a Sunday afternoon.  Where I have to sit with specialists who carefully taper down my medications and tell me exactly when to copulate.  

It feels devoid of joy.  All worry, no whimsy.  All business, no discovery.  I know I'm front loading the experience, but how can I not?  I'm walking right into a circumstance that could hospitalize me.  Purposefully.  Because I totally can't wait to be psychotic again.  And have it affect another being as well.  

I wonder if I would just let it ride, without Ed's sweet eagerness.  I don't think I would.  I think I would want to eventually.  Maybe I would reach about 37 and say wait a minute, this is something I want to struggle for.  But right now, testing the waters, knowing it's ahead, feels like hopelessness.

So many people are worse off, which make me feel even WORSE about all my brooding.  But then again they weren't in that bed, in that hospital, looking at that orderly, yelling things down the hallway.

My life is "normal" now.  I'm the best I've ever been.  Of course I want to stay there.  

That whimsical Sunday afternoon is my Disney dream.  And no amount of wishing upon a star can make it happen without repercussion.  

1.12.2015

I'm Gonna Marry the Night . . .

. . . I won't give up on my life;
I'm a warrior queen, live passionately tonight.

I'm gonna marry the dark,
Gonna make love to this dark
I'm a soldier to my own emptiness, I'm a winner . . .

I'm gonna marry the night . . . I'm gonna marry the night . . . I'm gonna marry the niiiiight -

I'm gonna marry the night! 
I'm not gonna cry anymore -
I'm gonna marry the night; 
Leave nothing on these streets to explore!

Mah mah mah marry, mah mah mah marry, mah mah mah marry the night!  Mah mah mah marry, mah mah mah marry, mah mah mah marry the night!

I'm gonna lace up my boots,
Throw on some lace tights and cruise
down the streets that I love,
in my fishnet gloves I'm a sinner.

Then I'll go down to the bar,
but I won't cry anymore -
hold my whiskey up high,
kiss the bartender twice.
(I'm a loser.)

I'm gonna marry the night . . . I'm gonna marry the night . . . I'm gonna marry the niiiiight -

I'm gonna marry the night! 
I'm not gonna cry anymore -
I'm gonna marry the night; 
Leave nothing on these streets to explore!

Mah mah mah marry, mah mah mah marry, mah mah mah marry the night!  Mah mah mah marry, mah mah mah marry, mah mah mah marry the night!

Nothing's too cool
to take me from you;
Ybor is not just a tan that you never lose.
Love is the new denim or black;
Dancing all night, I'm becoming and addict
Kissing my girls, yeah I trust it so much
Don't poke holes in my dream cause that's where I find love - !

Come on and run!!!
Turn the night on and run!!!

I'm gonna marry the night!
I'm gonna burn a hole in the floor;
I'm gonna marry the night!
Leave nothing on these streets to explore!

Mah mah mah marry, mah mah mah marry, mah mah mah marry the night!  Mah mah mah marry, mah mah mah marry, mah mah mah marry the night!

I'm gonna marry - 

Marry -

I'm gonna marry -

Marry -

C'mon, c'mon, the night!

The night!

The night!

The night!

The night!

The night ---


(GaGa.)

8.30.2014

Beauty and the Beast Drinking Game



Drink When:
-A rose petal falls
-Belle exhibits signs of Stockholm Syndrome
-Anybody gets physical
-Someone eavesdrops
-You catch something you never did as a child
-Somebody gets super emo
-Phillippe throws around his Fabio mane
-Beast raises his voice
-That moment when you know somebody's gonna get it ooooon
-Whenever someone says “Crazy Old Maurice”

-Whenever Gaston says something that takes women's rights back a few hundred years