The Inevitable Plummet

The title of this entry very adequately indicates where I'm at. Anxious, desolate, and fearful - I feel like I've taken 5 steps backwards. There have been few nights this week where I haven't had to take my PRN anti-anxiety medication. It's just so hard to keep going. This ebb and flow is taxing and discouraging to the nth degree. Luckily I have the strong support of loved ones keeping me afloat.


Merrily We Roll Along.

My days of late have been trying. It's very hard to stay positive and focused when it feels like I don't have a purpose.

Summer = work. Or that's the usual equation, anyway.

I've been trying very hard to find myself content with inconsequential activity . . . it's so difficult though.

It's even more difficult when all the unresolved issues and feelings and burdens constantly roll around in my head.


Found on www.elfwood.com.

"Sweetie, I miss you so very, very much. I can't tell you how it breaks my heart to read of your situation and to be in a position where all I can offer you is electronic sentiments. In a time where the world must seem so cold and distant to you, I long to be a tangible warmth and presence in your life. I wish I could be strong for you, and let the world roll away from you. I wish I could shield you from the hurts and the injustice that no one deserves, least of all you. You have a purity of spirit and heart that helped to shape my high school years. I never told you this, but I always saw in you a strength and a light that I just didn't have. You were such a big influence in who and what I wanted to be. I wanted to make you proud of me. Did you know that? I've always known you were hurting, and I have always wanted to be the one to take that hurt from you.

I SEE YOU, just as you are. And I love you all the more for the strength and the grace with which you carry yourself. You are a beautiful goddess in a raging storm; not untouched, nor unfazed, but proud and determined to see it through. I pray that you do. And I pray that at the end of the storm, you will find many years of calm seas and joy."

Thank you Amanda. Thank you.


"I Think That It Is Wonderful."

Selected poems from I Think That It Is Wonderful (and other poems from Sesame Street) by David Korr. Western Publishing, 1984.

(God Bless Jim Henson.)

When My Imagination

When my imagination
Takes me by the mind,
It leads me off so far, so fast,
My body's left behind.
Yet that's when I am most myself,
Lost in wish and dream,
And coming back, I smile and think,
"Im more than I might seem."

There Is a Road

There is a road
I call my own.
It beckons me
when I'm alone,
this special road
that seems to be
a road I planned
so perfectly
it winds and bends
at my command
and takes me where
I wish to be -
atop a hill,
beneath a tall old tree.

There Is a Place

There is a place
that's mine alone,
where I'll go still
when I am grown.
A long road ends
atop a hill,
beneath a tree,
and there I fill
my mind with thoughts
of what might be,
and watch the leaves
sway over me
like waves on some
green, gentle sea.

I've Been Wondering

I've been wondering.
I've been wondering about all kinds of things.
Big things, like buildings and boulevards.
Little things, like lima beans, and locks.
And the label on my favorite overalls.
I've been wondering about in-between things, too -
Mailboxes, and my bathtub, and benches in the park..
What I wonder is: are they still there
When I'm in bed, and all I see's the dark?

So Many Things

So many things.
So many, many things to do.
Too many for one day,
Too many for my little feet
To take me all that way;
Too many for my little hands,
My little eyes and ears;
But tomorrow I will start again.
I'm afraid this may take years.

I Think That It Is Wonderful

I think that it is wonderful {Ernie}
that I can see a star,
when it's so very far
Good night, faraway star.

I think that it is wonderful {Bert}
that I can hear birds sing,
when outside everything
is still.
Good night, bird on the wing.

Me think that it is wonderful {Cookie Monster}
to eat my food all up,
especially at sup-
per time.
(Or lunch time or breakfast time.
It not matter.)
Night, night, delicious food.

I think that it is wonderful {Prairie Dawn? I get those two blonde ones confused!}
that I can smell a rose.
I'm so glad that my nose
knows how.
Good night, sweet-smelling rose.

I think that it is wonderful {Harry Monster}
to hug my Teddy bear.
It doesn't matter where
we are.
Sleep tight, Teddy, my bear.

Good night, faraway star.
Good night, bird on the wing.
Good night, delicious food.
Good night, sweet-smelling rose.
Good night, Teddy, my bear.

Good night, good night, good night.



Thank you so much for your response. I find it so difficult to stay strong in these times. I'm overwhelmed by the thought and care you put into writing to me.

"Who did you seem like?"
-I seemed like . . . the D I want to become.

I find it difficult in times of trial to meditate properly. I feel so swayed and moved by my surroundings that . . . I feel almost pushed into it. A retreat. And inversely when I am able to meditate . . . I become frightened. I feel as if I'll just fade into the tapestry. I need to just let go. I've tried to exert so much control over my surroundings that it has left me spent.

I'm having trouble trusting those around me. I feel as if I cannot trust authority figures anymore. I feel as if my best interest is not the priority.

And I suppose that is why I appreciate your honesty above many others.



"Elf" by Candice S. Lee.



Into the Woods and Out of the Woods and Home Before Dark.

Reclaiming my memory is . . .


Sanatana Maya (11:27:43 PM): Jamie's seen me naked.
Jamie (11:27:47 PM): True.
Sanatana Maya (11:27:50 PM): Did I ever tell you that story?
Jamie (11:28:12 PM): Into the Woods and out of our clothes and home before dark! (--->http://www.thebroadwaymusicals.com/i/intothewoods.htm)
Sanatana Maya (11:28:18 PM): Impulsivity at it's best!
Jamie (11:28:23 PM): Frick yes.
Sorrelli (11:28:25 PM): Seriously?
Sanatana Maya (11:28:32 PM): The harder I get the better to have. (See lyrics link)
Sanatana Maya (11:28:36 PM): Oh god story time.
Sorrelli (11:28:42 PM): Do tell.
Sanatana Maya (11:28:51 PM): ::embarrassed::
Sanatana Maya (11:28:53 PM): Okay.
Sanatana Maya (11:28:54 PM): So.
Sanatana Maya (11:29:11 PM): When I broke up with my boy the first time I was totally doin' the rebound thing.
Sanatana Maya (11:29:17 PM): I wanted something and safe.
Sanatana Maya (11:29:24 PM): I'm always safe.
Sanatana Maya (11:29:36 PM): Soooooooooooooooooooooooooo hey Jamie what are you doing? (@_@)
Sorrelli (11:29:47 PM): Nice.
Sanatana Maya (11:29:51 PM): Jaim tell the rest I'm embawassed.
Sanatana Maya (11:30:21 PM): This was . . . summer 2003.
Sanatana Maya (11:31:05 PM): . . .
Sorrelli (11:31:21 PM): Okay, so a good while ago.
Sanatana Maya (11:31:25 PM): Oh yeah.
Sorrelli (11:31:29 PM): C'mon Jamie, I'm dying.
Sanatana Maya (11:31:30 PM): I was a horn dog.
Jamie (11:31:32 PM): Well, in general, what I was doing at the time was being a virgin. Hell, never been kissed is more like it. So, having been just about to put on a silly hat and walk out of OJR, I was damned horny, too.
Jamie (11:31:58 PM): So, we decided it was a splendid coincidence that we should exploit.
Sanatana Maya (11:32:07 PM): lol I like it when he tells it.
Sanatana Maya (11:33:34 PM): Continuez.
Jamie (11:33:40 PM): Danielle's family apparently has some random property that includes a bunch of woods that would give enough cover from the road; this, to our foolish minds and loins, seemed as good a place as any....
Jamie (11:34:05 PM): (considering it wasn't the back of a car or either of our houses)
Sanatana Maya (11:34:34 PM): lol!
Sanatana Maya (11:34:40 PM): ::grabs popcorn::
Sorrelli (11:34:46 PM): Seriously, this is quite a tale.
Sanatana Maya (11:34:51 PM): It is.
Jamie (11:35:34 PM): So, we lied to our parents, drove out to a parking lot nearby, and took a blanket out into the woods. We found a relative clearing and lay down.
Sanatana Maya (11:35:59 PM): (omg this is so awkward to hear!)
Sorrelli (11:36:01 PM): I just laughed out loud at that one.
Sanatana Maya (11:36:18 PM): ::pout:: I hate you red (http://www.thebroadwaymusicals.com/i/intothewoods.htm). lol
Jamie (11:36:33 PM): Then something became abundantly clear: Neither of us was really willing to make the first move.
Sanatana Maya (11:36:42 PM): ::bursts out laughing::
Sanatana Maya (11:36:50 PM): OMG Jaim. Best storyteller ever.
Jamie (11:36:58 PM): *blush* I try
Sanatana Maya (11:37:54 PM): Keep going, damn it! lol
Jamie (11:38:22 PM): Anyway, we sort of cuddled for a while, having awkward little faux-conversations which often included things like, "So... You going to do something?" "Maybe you should..." "..."
Jamie (11:38:35 PM): And then the mosquitos hit.
Sanatana Maya (11:38:38 PM): ::laughs::
Sorrelli (11:38:38 PM): Oh no!
Sanatana Maya (11:38:52 PM): When did I get like, all nakie?
Jamie (11:39:43 PM): Not long now.
Sanatana Maya (11:39:52 PM): ::snort::
Sorrelli (11:40:22 PM): C'mon man!
Sanatana Maya (11:40:38 PM): LOL
Jamie (11:40:39 PM): I finally internally said "**** it" and ******************, thinking the next step was totally hers.... and then waited 10 minutes and **************** after nothing except a bit more cuddling happened.
Sanatana Maya (11:40:53 PM): ::beats the desk::
Sorrelli (11:41:00 PM): This is too much.
Sanatana Maya (11:41:05 PM): I'm dying.
Sorrelli (11:41:10 PM): I would think so.
Sanatana Maya (11:41:15 PM): **** off!
Sanatana Maya (11:41:17 PM): lol
Sorrelli (11:41:27 PM): You love me.
Jamie (11:41:28 PM): I think the ************* not long after that, ************.
Jamie (11:42:27 PM): I remeber the sentence "I think someone's ************..." coming from Danielle's mouth at some point.
Jamie (11:42:34 PM): (hehe)
Sorrelli (11:42:35 PM): That's priceless.
Sanatana Maya (11:43:03 PM): o
Sanatana Maya (11:43:04 PM): m
Sanatana Maya (11:43:05 PM): g
Sorrelli (11:44:13 PM): :-)
Sanatana Maya (11:44:24 PM): I didn't know what to do with him.
Sanatana Maya (11:44:28 PM): I was like . . . uh . . .
Sanatana Maya (11:44:31 PM): I've seen this before.
Sanatana Maya (11:44:34 PM): It's a ding dong.
Sanatana Maya (11:44:36 PM): Yup.
Sanatana Maya (11:44:42 PM): Defnititely a ding dong.
Sanatana Maya (11:45:03 PM): Why . . . isn't . . . it . . . **** . . . . . . . .
Sanatana Maya (11:45:12 PM): ::dies::
Sorrelli (11:45:28 PM): Yeah, you've seen one, you've seen them all.
Jamie (11:45:36 PM): There hadn't been any *********, or even any **************** or **************, so yeah, that was pretty much the case.
Sanatana Maya (11:45:37 PM): His was non compliant!
Sanatana Maya (11:45:43 PM): lol
Sorrelli (11:46:11 PM): God Jamie.
Sanatana Maya (11:46:17 PM): I know, right?
Sanatana Maya (11:46:22 PM): I'm flipping nakie, get **** you sob.
Sorrelli (11:46:37 PM): There's a phrase that leaves my lips all the time.
Sanatana Maya (11:46:44 PM): LOL
Jamie (11:46:55 PM): I was an innocent little 17-year-old...
Sanatana Maya (11:47:19 PM): INNOCENT!
Jamie (11:47:33 PM): Hehehe
Sorrelli (11:47:37 PM): Were you really that innocent?
Sanatana Maya (11:47:39 PM): You were always *********** complex. I would've had to give a lot to entice you.
Sanatana Maya (11:48:03 PM): I know things now many valuable things that I hadn't known before (see ITW lyrics link.)
Sanatana Maya (11:48:08 PM): And some such.
Jamie (11:48:12 PM): Fair enough
Sanatana Maya (11:48:36 PM): ::laughs:: We've never talked about it like this before. It's really kind of funny.
Jamie (11:51:41 PM): Well, the end of the story really amounts to me eventually getting **************************************************************
Sanatana Maya (11:51:55 PM): OMG I FORGOT THAT PART! (@_@)
Sanatana Maya (11:52:18 PM): ::dies::
Jamie (11:52:59 PM): ******************************************* and then her saying she no longer really wanted to. I remember her apologizing profusely and saying that women were fickle female dogs.
Sorrelli (11:53:10 PM): Nice. .
Sanatana Maya (11:53:38 PM): I was right! It was ridiculous.
Sanatana Maya (11:53:48 PM): And it was awful but true.
Sorrelli (11:54:18 PM): Well, at least you offered an explanation.
Jamie (11:54:27 PM): *nods*
Sanatana Maya (11:54:55 PM): ::shakes head::
Sorrelli (11:55:57 PM): That was quite a story.
Sorrelli (11:56:03 PM): Nice job, guys.
Sanatana Maya (11:56:14 PM): ::laughs and cries at the same time::
Jamie (11:56:28 PM): We suck hardcore. Or don't, as the case may be.
Sanatana Maya (11:56:34 PM): Well we don't anymore.
Sorrelli (11:56:36 PM): :-)
Jamie (11:56:42 PM): I mean, that's fair.
Sanatana Maya (11:56:43 PM): We were babies.
Jamie (11:56:48 PM): Oh so true.


Look into Her Eyes.

{Incomplete citation. Grumble. It's called "Dolce Far Niente". I found it at either Elfwood or Fantasya.}

Oh Rocky Horror, I remember you well.

Lucky There's a Family Guy.


"How you uh, how you comin' on that novel you're working on? Huh? Got a a big, uh, big stack of papers there? Got a, got a nice litte story you're working on there? Your big novel you've been working on for three years? Huh? Got a, got a compelling protagonist? Yeah? Got a obstacle for him to overcome? Huh? Got a story brewing there? Working on, working on that for quite some time? Huh? Yeah, talking about that three years ago. Been working on that the whole time? Nice little narrative? Beginning, middle, and end? Some friends become enemies, some enemies become friends? At the end your main character is richer from the experience? Yeah? Yeah? No, no, you deserve some time off."

Oh Rae. (^_^)


BitGhost (5:12:49 PM): i know you like to see it as a ebb and flow kinda deal, but look at the reality..
Sanatana Maya (5:12:58 PM): I don't live in reality.
Sanatana Maya (5:13:00 PM): I never have.
Sanatana Maya (5:13:03 PM): I can't.
BitGhost (5:13:12 PM): yes you do, but you see different realms of reality..
Sanatana Maya (5:13:27 PM): I'm trying to put all the realms together.
BitGhost (5:13:33 PM): everyone usually has one, or two if they are moody, you have many..
BitGhost (5:13:56 PM): they are not all that different from each other..
BitGhost (5:14:05 PM): the similarities, that is you..


Sanatana Maya (6:15:44 PM): I'm gonna bleeping cry again.
BitGhost (6:16:37 PM): its ok to cry.. it is healing..
BitGhost (6:16:48 PM): don't pent it up..
BitGhost (6:17:01 PM): everything is ok, you are safe..
BitGhost (6:17:09 PM): be yourself..
BitGhost (6:17:21 PM): know i love you and other people do too..
Sanatana Maya (6:17:38 PM): My mom 302ed me because she loved me.
Sanatana Maya (6:17:44 PM): loves, present tense.
BitGhost (6:18:38 PM): 302?
Sanatana Maya (6:19:20 PM): Got the county involved to commit me inpatient.
Sanatana Maya (6:19:27 PM): A legal move.
Sanatana Maya (6:19:31 PM): Because I'm 22.
BitGhost (6:20:16 PM): then yes, she did that because she loves you. an amzing move on her part. that is real love, hard decision to make. she chose to fight for you when ignoring woul dhave been easier..
BitGhost (6:20:34 PM): i respect her very much.
Sanatana Maya (6:20:40 PM): She's stronger than I am.
BitGhost (6:20:46 PM): i am glad you have people who care about you.
Sanatana Maya (6:20:53 PM): Because she deals with me when I'm unable.
BitGhost (6:21:08 PM): she is older, you will find you are pretty damn amazing, once you find your balance again..
Sanatana Maya (6:21:20 PM): I'm alive, I am damn amazing.
Sanatana Maya (6:21:25 PM): I'm bleeping kicking still.

Isn't it Nice to Know A Lot . . . and a Little Bit Not.


"I Know Things Now"

Mother said,
"Straight ahead,"
Not to delay
or be misled.
I should have heeded
Her advice . . .
But he seemed so nice.

And he showed me things
Many beautiful things,
That I hadn't thought to explore.
They were off my path,
So I never had dared.
I had been so careful,I never had cared.
And he made me feel excited -
Well, excited and scared.

When he said, "Come in!"
With that sickening grin,
How could I know what was in store?
Once his teeth were bared,
Though, I really got scared -
Well, excited and scared -
But he drew me close
And he swallowed me down,
Down a dark slimy path
Where lie secrets that I never want to know!
And when everything familiar
Seemed to disappear forever,
At the end of the path
Was Granny once again!
So we wait in the dark
Until someone sets us free,
And we're brought into the light,
And we're back at the start.

And I know things now,
Many valuable things,
That I hadn't known before:
Do not put your faith In a cape and a hood,
They will not protect you
The way that they should.
And take extra care with strangers,
Even flowers have their dangers,
And though scary is exciting,
Nice is different than good.

Now I know:
Don't be scared.
Granny is right,
Just be prepared.

Isn't it nice to know a lot!

And a little bit not.




Auto response from The Pat (10:15:03 PM):
take my love,
take my land
take me where i cannot stand
i don't care, i'm still free
you can't take the sky from me
take me out to the black
tell em i ain't coming back
burn the land, and boil the sea
you can't take the sky from me . . .

{Firefly Theme}

VG Cats!

Tooo much. El oh el xorz.



Card of Ink.

In art therapy yesterday we were prompted to write a letter to someone we felt we needed to talk to. As soon as I heard the assignment I cringed and choked up. I immediately knew what I had to express and knew it would be painful.

Below is what I wrote.

I called you today. What I got was your voice. And as warm as it was to me, to my trials, it wasn't the warmth I truly wanted. I wanted the warmth of your arms. Your warm, safe embrace. Because as strong a woman I am, there are days, and always will be, where all I need is that strength . . . that strength with my head and nose buried into your chest.

The softness of that fabric against my face is more comforting than a thousand smiles; a hundred hugs. And knowing that I pushed that beautiful fabric away feels like death.

So here
I die.

Until .
Meh at my HS senior year party--->

Ferrell and AJ saved my life last night.

Jesus it was so good to just sit around and shoot the poop with people. Friends.

That was my first "hang out with friends" since the end of June. It was well overdue.

I must hang with more people. More!

I need to get me back.

Jaimster you better call me! Sorrelli you owe me too! We actually did end up swimming last night, lol. You know. After the apocalyptic storm. It was fun swimming with all the leaves and debris from the crazy weather.


The Book.

“I wish that my life story was a book in a building.
Something you could stretch your arm up to, and slip off of the top shelf. Your gentle caress dusting a stray cobweb from the wrinkled leather cover. Crisp pages seperate neatly, all the emotions and thoughts brushed onto the paper with a careful pen, stroke by stroke. I wish that I had an index, from which you could run your nail under your own name. Your teeth sinking into your lower lip in careful study. I wish that you might slip me into your back pocket, for safe keeping and to be kept close by. Ever so slowly my spine would bend over the years. My pages becoming well thumbed, the once insidiously sharp letter outlines being fuzzied and warmed with age. Until at last, I am so well read and so well learned that my own frail and tattered form no longer is needed...my soul being permanently entrenched in your memory and smiles.”


Serial Experiment

A little doodle of mine. Did it two years ago. It's supposed to be Lain.

Good animé.

Never did finish it.

Everything feels unfinished tonight.


Objects in Mirror are Closer Than They Appear.

Photos taken by Edmund.
David Bowie artwork. Find him at www.davidbowie.com.

The first rule about Fight Club is you don't talk about Fight Club.
The first rule about Twelfth Night is you don't talk about Twelfth Night.

The first rule about inpatient is you don't talk about inpatient.


{I don't know. I named it "Cloak Lady." It's from www.elfwood.com}

"With everything that I do, I hope that they see people struggling to live decent, moral lives in a completely chaotic world. They see how hard it is, how often they fail, and how they get up and keep trying. That, to me, is the most important message I'm ever going to tell."- Joss Whedon

Thanks for the quote, Typical American Husband.

Amanda -

"Well have a nap. Zennn fire zee missles!"


"Reflection Eternal." www.fantasya.net.

My evening.

{Found on www.elfwood.com}

I trembled.

I was grounded by clutching the grass and by feeling the earth beneath my feet.

The tactile touch of the world is smooth.

I want to gently caress it.


"It's not right for a woman to read. Soon she starts getting ideas, and thinking."

Thanks for the quote Rae!

{Can't site it again. God that pisses me off. Saved as "Shadows". Probably from Fantasya.}

"Pause you who read this, and think of the long chain of thorns or of flowers, of iron or of gold, that would never have bound you, but for the formation of that first link on one memorable day."~Charles Dickens, Great Expectations

Great quote Lauren OC.
3y3 b31i3\/3 7Hi5 pi3(3 i5 (4113) "Sad Kimiko in Snow." It'5 by Fred Gallagher. 1337 H4x02. U (4N fiNd HiM @ http://www.megatokyo.com/) I miss my sister.

And my Auntie and Uncle B.

Why is my family estranged?

(Sarah Brightman is kicking my mp3 player. "Harem." Check out her awesomeness at http://www.sarah-brightman.com/frame.html)

Quote of the [insert time unit here].

("Shine" by Min Kwon. I believe I found it at http://www.fantasya.net/)
There is a fine line between psychosis and enlightenment.

You let that "ruminate whilst I illuminate the possibilities."

If you know what that quote is from I'll sing you the song.


Oh Em Gee.

(Image found on http://www.fantasya.net/ before I knew better than to not cite all my sources. Please don't hate me, artist of the abyss. The painting default saved as "lea.")
I think I just lost an entry.

I'm not familiar with Blogger yet.

I bleeping hate losing entries.

::closes eyes, breathes deeply::


The point of the post was to display my friend Angel's poetry. It spoke to me. She wrote it on 6.24.06. It was untitled.

I loved a whore, once; so people would talk about me.He danced, sometimes, across my firelit flesh.Fingertips s c r a w l i n g, tracing, patterns of stars and hearts his secret:; messages, meant for me, or whoever resides.His voice, teasing, carressingmy hair, causing a gentle stirring inside.He cradled my ribcage, and murmed of frivolties, loud music, and substances we've all adored, at one point or another.Ever-encompassing, he entertwined his legs with mine, slightly teasing my freshly polished toes with his own.Red lacquer, messily applied, reveals nothing.


Quote I thought of.

(Rose under ice. Picture taken by my boy. Summer . . . 2000 . . . and . . . 4.)
I thought of this a few days ago. I have to go find the sticky note I wrote it on . . . . . . . . . . . . .

Found it. I wrote it on the back of a crossword puzzle book. I have so many notes just lying around. It's eerily like that independent film "Memento" up in here. Someone remind me to combine all my post-its into one big list.

But the quote. I was crying in my boy's arms and telling him everything that flew through my head while he held me with the promise that it'll be fine . . . and I was saying things like . . . "I'm Jekyll & Hyded . . . "

Gah! I can't find the direct quote response he had for me!

But anyway. He said to me that he loved them both. Both my Jekyll and my Hyde.

It was at that point that I balled some more.


Maybe I should name my own polars.

Not use what Robert Louis Stevenson made up . . . but make up my own names.

Like . . . "Who I want to be" and "Who I end up being."


It's just not as concise. Looks like RLS got it smack on.


I haven't even posted the quote I meant to yet.

The quote was . . .

And this rings in my mind like a mantra . . .

These words came from my frantic, frazzled lips . . .

"I write so I remember."

And so I shall. Even if it's only to myself. I'm all I've had since . . . as long as I can remember. No one else is in my skull with me. It's just me.

Just my squishy, confused matter and my inability to apply logic.


I'm still writing in blood red. I think I'll keep it that way.

I'm going to journey onto campus now.

I'm inducing confidence by dressing fabulously and pretending I don't hate my burden (those extra 30-odd lbs.).

It works ladies. It works.

I sure as hell know those guys I flirted with yesterday didn't notice a damn piece of my pudge. (^_~)

Outtie for now.

A pensive picture. Stupid can't-upload-photo-until-I-post-it policy. I just want a profile pic!

One of the only pictures that I can look at and tell myself I'm beautiful.