I found out several weeks ago that a guy I went to school with in high school died.  Suddenly.  A brain aneurism, I think.  Point being he was much too young.  He was only a year older than I am.  At the time I just acquired the knowledge and that was that.

But last night I dreamt about him. 


I pulled memories out that I had forgotten.  My personal interactions with him.  Like how he was Marius in Les Mis, opposite Whitney's Cosette.  And how there was one day of rehearsal that Whitney couldn't make, and we would be rehearsing "The Kissing Scene".  I was excited and nervous because he was so cute; who wouldn't crush on him.  And as I was running up the stairs in the scene, Mrs. G. yelled out "Don't kiss." so I didn't.  (But wanted to as myself as well as the character.)

And how we sang "All I Ask of You" in voice lessons, preparing it for a possible concert.  I had butterflies of course.

His dad was even in my dream . . . and I thanked him for being so involved and building us such wonderful sets.

It was like unconscious catharsis.  The dream was as real as any actual occurence because it could have been real.  There were nothing to conotate that it was a dream except that I woke up from it.

So I will take it as real.  And I will take those tears as my mourning.



By my front door there is The Plop.  In The Plop zone is all the various articles I need from day to day.  My purse, my keys, my bag for work, my bag for work, my bag for play.  I'm stretched so thin I can scarcely keep track of myself from one moment to the next.  Stability is tangible, but I feel it could fly at any moment.

So I ground myself in my shoes.

Who am I?  If I look to my shoes, they tell me.  At this moment, I am a receptionist.

Who am I?  Millicent, the character I've created.

Who am I?  A waitress.

Am I barefoot?  Then I can breathe until I am myself in a role again.

{"Shoe Pile" by fuzyblucaterpilr, DeviantArt}

But really, am I not just a series of performances?


Oh hi.

Okay it's been way too long, and my dearest called me on it.  It's true.

Deleted the other blog, for those who knew of it/were following it.  I'm fickle.  Thus is my nature.  I only have the desire to discuss it when it's happening, and nothing's really happening anymore.  If you want the rest of the g on g story, just ask me.  But for now, nothing terribly adventurous is happening in that department.

It's FAIRE SEASON!  And I'm ill already!  YAY!  3rd weekend in and I'm bogged down by a head cold. Yay me.  I wish I could even enjoy the days off a little, but no, I'm ill and recuperating.  Lots of adorable pictures of me are floating about, which always delights and baffles me.

I'm putting my toes in . . . ever so slowly . . . into the deep, murky waters of wedding planning.  It's a scary motherfucker.  Like, thanks Disney, for making me want that fairy tale bullshit.  I mean, mine won't be traditional, by any means, but I still want that big ideal wedding.  I can't avoid it, I have a shitton of family.  It looks like we're looking at about 100 guests.  Which could be worse, I suppose.  But it's still a loooot.  I don't want anyone taking on debts for this.

The illness better fly away because . . . it looks like I'm going to be waitressing in the very near future!  There is a restaurant near Faire that is now managed by the husband of a friend, and a lot of Faire type peeps are working there, so I said hey, why not.  I need the extra money bigtime, plus I'll love my coworkers.  I've never waited before, so that part is a bit intimidating, but I figure it's 75% acting anyway.  Right up my alley.  The only thing I don't really know is how to do taxes when you figure in tips or whatever.  Damn the man!


::sigh:: I feel like I've exhausted what I can say.  I almost called my Beff last night because every once in a while I get that overwhelming pressure of eternity weighing me down.  You know, mortality and all.  No big, just looking your finite self right in the eyes.  I avoided severe reaction but it's still entirely overwhelming.

I plan to start a big internet art project once Faire is over and I have spare time again.  A web comic-y artistic outlet.  We'll see how that pans out.  Mah boy said he'll web design and we can go from there.  It's good to have a project.

Anyway, I think I'm done.  I'm busy doing nothing on my sick day, dontchaknow.


A Poem, by Artificial Intelligence, Racter.

"At all events my own essays and dissertations about love
and its endless pain and perpetual pleasure will be
known and understood by all of you who read this and
talk or sing or chant about it to your worried friends
or nervous enemies.  Love is the question and the subject
of this essay.  We will commence with a question:  does
steak love lettuce?  This question is implacably
hard and inevitably diffcult to answer.  Here is
a question:  does an electron love a proton,
or does it love a neutron?  Here is a question:  does
a man love a woman or, to be specific and to be
precise, does Bill love Diane?  The interesting
and critical response to this is:  no!  He is
obsessed and infatuated with her.  He is loony
and crazy about her.  That is not the love
of steak and lettuce, of electron and proton and
neutron.  This dissertation will show that the
love of a man and a woman is not the love of
steak and lettuce.  Love is interesting to me
and fascinating to you but it is painful to
Bill and Diane.  That is love!"
{Source Unknown.}



"Yes I do . . . I dream about it a lot . . . I suppose I could lie to you, and not tell you the truth, but the truth is I do think about it." -GaGa on Death
{Screenshot from GaGa's music video, "Alejandro".}


Yoink, I Say, Yoink.

1) What is your idea of happiness?
~~ Either spontaneity or lazy days curled up in bed without alarms.

2) Would you be happy if you found out you were getting a new little sibling?
~~ I'd be happy, but I would seriously question my parents' motives.  They don't have the most stable household.

3) Who is someone you would do absolutely anything for?
~~ The guy snuggling me right now.

4) What is the first thing on your To Do List for this month?
~~ Find a new place to live.  Ugh.

5) When I say the word "spring", what do you think of?
~~ Rebirth.

6) Do you know anyone personally who has served in any war?
~~ My friends' mother has served in Iraq.  She was part of the National Guard and was called over.  Kinda sucked.

7) Would you go to Paris if you had the chance?
~~ Absolutement.

8) What condiments do you put on your burgers?
~~ Mayo, ketchup, mustard.

9) How many concerts have you attended, if any?
~~ Several.  Often of the dorky, theatrical type.

10) Are you more of a coffee or tea person?
~~ Coffee, but I like both.

11) Have you ever seen the movie Donnie Darko?
~~ Yes.  Just the other day I tried to get people to laugh at that Sparkle Motion line.  Losers.

12) Are you craving any foods currently?
~~ Full, actually.  Had leftover veg from Hibachi-san and some elbow macrones. 

13) Have you ever read anything by Nora Roberts?
~~ No, but my mom sure has.  Dream on, lady.

14) Is there an album you can't wait to be released?
~~ I heard Lady GaGa is working on her latest . . . (^_^)

15) Alex Pardee: His artwork is amazing, is it not?
~~ Qui?

16) What profession would you like to work in?
~~ Theatre, but only the positives please.  Negate the lack of stability.

17) Does Kurt Cobain really smell like Teen Spirit?
~~ I wouldn't know.  But I hear the rights to him is about to smell like millions.

18) Have you ever read anyone's biography?
~~ I read one on Bowie and Michael Crawford's autobiography.  Hehe!

19) Would you marry Bill Gates for his cash?
~~ I'm about to marry a marvelous man.  But if Bill wants to employ me I wouldn't mind!

20) Do you run with scissors?
~~ I usually cut with them.

21) Is Twilight over-hyped?
~~ I liked it when it wasn't commercialized yet.

22) Is there a band logo you would get tattooed on yourself?
~~ I don't think so.  I find them to be deeply personal.

23) Are you fascinated by mermaids?
~~ No . . .

24) What was the last thing you recieved via mail?
~~ Harrison's play.

25) Last time you received an injury?
~~ I believe I bruised a rib last year at Faire from my corset.

26) What's for dinner tonight?
~~ Went over that already.

27) Next time you will purchase something?
~~ Hmm, I foresee it being lunch at rehearsal Saturday.

28) Have you eaten any chocolate today?
~~ I had a Jell-o pudding cup.

29) Last time you did your victory dance?
~~ I dance to GaGa whenever I get a text message!

30) When is a time someone would NOT want to be around you?
~~ ::shrug::  Early morning, maybe.

31) What are you obsessed with right now?
~~ I think my GaGa-itis has peaked.  Your regularly scheduled Danielle will continue shortly.

32) How many pairs of shoes are in your house?
~~ Around 10.

33) Fresh fruit or canned fruit?
~~ I prefer fresh, but usually buy serving cups to complement meals or for snacks.

34) Do your teachers let you eat in class?
~~ What a high school question.

35) Are your blankets kicked all over the place when you wake up?
~~ Oh yeah.

36) Do you have an eye mask you wear to sleep?
~~ I just found out MY BROTHER DOES!  Roffle!

37) Would you consider yourself smart?
~~ Yes.

38) When do you want to move out of your parents house?
~~ Already have.

39) Do you have a curfew?
~~ Kind of.  Ed doesn't like late night company on work nights.  Reasonable.

40) What instruments do you have in your house?
~~ Keyboard, guitars, violin.

41) What's the last gross movie/show/video you saw?
~~ Nothing much phases a /b/tard.

42) Would you rather live in a huuuge house or a little cozy one?
~~ Cozy little.

43) The music on the radio: good or bad?
~~ My definition of good lately has depreciated . . . I listen to a bit of pop.

44) Do you understand Shakespeare plays?
~~ Yes, but it does take thorough study.

45) Have you ever blow dried something other then your hair?
~~ I don't think so.

46) What is your favorite piece of equipment at gyms?
~~ Treadmills/bikes.

47) Do you understand what you're doing in math class lately?
~~ HS . . .

48) How many photo albums are in your house?
~~ Two or three.

49) Who's the best kisser you know?
~~ Ed's probably the best.

50) Do you get embarrassed when you pay for things in all small change?
~~ Not embarrassed, no.  I feel bad when it takes me a while to get it or count it out.

51) Do you ever go for walks just for fun?
~~ Yup.

52) Are you always tired?
~~ Most often.

53) Do you count the calories you eat?
~~ Yeah.  Fatty McGee over here.

54) Are you friends with anyone named Earl?
~~ Nope.

55) Are you vain?
~~ Sometimes.

56) What would you do if the last person you kissed showed up at your house with a bunch or roses and a hand written poem for you?
~~ Say yes again.

57) Do you ever watch The Simpsons?
~~ Occasionally.

58) Have you ever sent an embarrassing moment of yours into a mag to be printed?
~~ No.

59) What's the last thing to make you scream?
~~ Tessa jumped out at me last Friday.

60) Do you think you're more cute or sexy?
~~ Cute.

61) Would you like to live in a hotel, or your own house?
~~ There are a lot of variables here.

62) Are you good at knowing when people are lying?
~~ Fairly.  I have this unfortunate habit of trusting people and trying to find the good.  Distrust!  All bad!

63) Do you draw little hearts and stuff with eyeliner next to your eyes?
~~ Theatrically, if necessary.

64) What's the most expensive thing you've ever lost?
~~ My credit card, but that in itself isn't expensive.

65) When's the last time someone made breakfast for you?
~~ Can't remember.

66) Do you do something new with your hair practically every day?
~~ "I don't even wash it daily."  (Holla!  lol)

67) Name a song your addicted to:
~~ "Monster."

68) When's the last time someone told you they were in love with you?
~~ 20 minutes ago.

69) Is there a Sonic where you live?
~~ Several.  Dangerous!

70) What did you eat for lunch today?
~~ Grilled chicken bacon ranch from McD's.

71) What do you like on your pizza?
~~ Cheese, or white, or peppers, onions, shrooms.

72) Do you ever paint or file your nails in class/at work?
~~ I clip them when they get annoying.

73) Who is the best public speaker you know?
~~ Myself, I suppose.

74) How would you react if someone kidnapped your best friend?
~~ It would be a call to action.

75) Are family get togethers fun for you, or awkward?
~~ Depends which side, but they are usually fun.

76) Do you know what "A Midsummer Night's Dream" is about?
~~ That's actually one I'm not entirely familiar with.

77) Are any of your friends hoping to be famous one day?
~~ Probably.  But I don't find it to be a worthwhile ambition.

78) Do you think you'll be famous one day?
~~ I doubt it.

79) Have you ever hosted a dinner party?
~~ No.

80) How many times do you think you've thrown up in your entire life?
~~ There's so many baby spit ups, it's hard to know.

81) Have you ever lost someone to cancer?
~~ Yes, actually.  Mr. Loomis.  He was a great guy.

82) Would you rather become a nun or marry someone you don't even like?
~~ In solitude I've always wondered what rigorous ahimsa and revelation would be like.

83) Wouldn't it be weird if human hatched eggs instead?
~~ Abortions would be a lot more violent.

84) Would you like to own a business?
~~ It'd be cool to own a pub.

85) Would you rather live somewhere realllly hot or somewhere realllly cold?
~~ Hot.

86) Do crows creep you out?
~~ Nah.

87) Have you ever ignored your own feelings?
~~ I've always been a bottler.

88) Do you wear a lot of red clothes?
~~ No.

89) Are you a health freak?
~~ I'm trying to be health conscious.

90) Do you have a collection of things from the beach?
~~ I have a bottle of sand and shells from Daytona.

91) What is the best way to have potatoes?
~~ Unidentifiable as a vegetable and greasy as fuck.

92) Do you lock the doors?
~~ Yes.

93) Is coffee better with or without milk?
~~ I use hazelnut creamer.

94) What's something you do every single winter?
~~ Suffer from mild seasonal affective.



For some reason, now that the show has gone up and passed, and the flurry of activity has ended, I have this unsettling feeling about being alone.  Having free time.  I'm so damn used to running around from responsibility to responsibility to socialization and back again that it feels like, if I stop for just one moment, I'll somehow break, or break down, or some unknown negativity will occur.  I have had constant companionship for three months now, and am afraid of the fallout.

I guess because when it's all said and done, I'm left with myself.  And that's just why.


Edit 4.4.10:  Or, I could wake up and realize it is nothing so glamourous, and just the response to a hypomanic state.  It's a cycle, D.


Blurred Vision.

So I'm going on this new blog endeavour, and went perusing an old internet blogs.  It really . . . affected me.  Like . . . I very much live day to day.  And . . . I separate who I was from who I am.  Things . . . are just difficult to read.  I know I'm ever evolving, but . . . maybe I don't want record of it.



"In every conceivable manner, the family is a link to our past, a bridge to our future." -Alex Haley

{"Swingset" by Trobs, DeviantArt}

If I could freeze a moment in time, in my memory, where it is summer in life's blossom and The Farm is as it always was, I would happily be penniless.  But as life waits for no man's fancy, the farm and warmth of my memory has long since cooled, and we are left without it in the present.

There is no conceivable way I can possibly articulate gratitude for the gift you have given me, but as my heart cries to voice it, I will try.

I am so grateful to have some relief of my financial burdens, and cannot tell you how positive a change it will make for my life.  Having just an extra $200.00 a month means I don't have to live paycheck to paycheck, in fear of the unexpected.

I love you both, and hope I've managed to convey how much this truly means to me.




I'm a bit overwhelmed. But not, like usual, in a negative way.

Some time ago I wrote of my Grammie's passing and the selling of the farm I grew up on. Well it is about to pass. Pass hands. Lifetimes. Into oblivion? Demolition? It's not in our hands. But my mother knows just how painful my monetary situation is and has decided to give me and my siblings each $10,000.


For me, that's half a year of work. Half my yearly salary at this point. Crazy.

I'm just overwhelmed. I don't know what to say or do. And also, it's really a gift from my father, who I will have an infinitely more difficult time communicating with.

Mom's going to pay off my car loan and then just give me the rest. That extra $200 a month means so much. I don't have to be a paycheck to paycheck wreck anymore. It seems so silly that such a gift can change me so substancially.

I just don't even know how to process all this.