8.10.2009

Boo.

I don't know why I feel such a goddamn heavy attachment to people who have not thought on me in ages; why I feel such remorse at our closeness passing.  Even our perception of closeness.  I suppose it's like a faulty investment . . . I took a risk in putting everything into it, blindly, only to be taken and not receive back what I gave.  Will no one love me as unconditionally as I love?  Why does it seem that the people I have deemed my closest companions drift into the past effortlessly?  

It angers me that I should even rue people who are undeserving.

The crux lies in that I thought they were deserving at the time.  Ha.  Foolish me.

I could cry to think that maybe the only peer I can truly see myself loving is hundreds of miles away.  

Why is this even OCCURRING to me at this moment?  All of a sudden all of this rage flows through me, sloshing about my insides.

I take such small things so personally.  Maybe she's not cutting contact, maybe she just declined.  Maybe she doesn't hate you for some reason, and she's just busy and doesn't see you at work anymore.  

Maybe.

And then there are those taunting false reunions.  OH HEY I'M IN THE AREA NOW HERE'S MY CELL NUMBER!  LEMME STOP YOU PURPOSELY TO PLAY NICE AND PEAK YOUR INTEREST!

Jay kay, jay kay you temperamental fuck.

And OH HEY I'm your Facebook friend now!  Forget the fact that I abandoned you without contact for oh, nigh on five years for no apparent reason.

My throat is clenched in anger.  My eyes threaten to betray to the uncaring dark.

I should maybe rage more often so I don't startle myself next time . . . 

1 comment:

Miss Mandy said...

*HUGS*
Anger is healthy. You are always in my thoughts and prayers, hun. <3
*MORE HUGS*