Boo.

I don't know why I feel such a goddamn heavy attachment to people who have not thought on me in ages; why I feel such remorse at our closeness passing.  Even our perception of closeness.  I suppose it's like a faulty investment . . . I took a risk in putting everything into it, blindly, only to be taken and not receive back what I gave.  Will no one love me as unconditionally as I love?  Why does it seem that the people I have deemed my closest companions drift into the past effortlessly?  

It angers me that I should even rue people who are undeserving.

The crux lies in that I thought they were deserving at the time.  Ha.  Foolish me.

I could cry to think that maybe the only peer I can truly see myself loving is hundreds of miles away.  

Why is this even OCCURRING to me at this moment?  All of a sudden all of this rage flows through me, sloshing about my insides.

I take such small things so personally.  Maybe she's not cutting contact, maybe she just declined.  Maybe she doesn't hate you for some reason, and she's just busy and doesn't see you at work anymore.  

Maybe.

And then there are those taunting false reunions.  OH HEY I'M IN THE AREA NOW HERE'S MY CELL NUMBER!  LEMME STOP YOU PURPOSELY TO PLAY NICE AND PEAK YOUR INTEREST!

Jay kay, jay kay you temperamental fuck.

And OH HEY I'm your Facebook friend now!  Forget the fact that I abandoned you without contact for oh, nigh on five years for no apparent reason.

My throat is clenched in anger.  My eyes threaten to betray to the uncaring dark.

I should maybe rage more often so I don't startle myself next time . . . 

My Corset

Mine corset brings all the girls to the lea, and they think, 'tis better than thee!

Massive Update.

Oh, how I have neglected my journal for some time, to perhaps one person's chagrin. (Love you darling.) I shall abridge my thoughts all into one, as they do jumble about.

Firstly. I am no longer employed at The Shelter. Those closest to me know that it was terribly love/hate for some time, and relationships got quite messy towards the end of my employment.

{Cuteoverload.com}

Never befriend your boss. Never. Never ever. Even if there is a precedent and you feel secure about it. ::sigh:: There are many things I miss about that environment. But there are many more that I am glad to have washed my hands of. The Shelter is just too big an undertaking for one small person such as I, and you very much get into the fixer-up mode with a cause like that. Fixing that place is MUCH MORE than a coordinated effort, much less something that can be shouldered by one person, no matter how dedicated.

Secondly, fuck the police. Seriously. I already had a sour encounter with one, and now this? (This is something I cannot discuss as the court date and sentencing is pending, but ask and you shall receive. It just isn't something I can publicly rant about yet, even though I do my best to keep this blog anonymous. I would nearly die if something I said came back to cause someone I love a harsher sentence.)

And thirdly, and most beautifully . . . ::sigh:: Those of you that keep up (which is fairly easy considering how often I update) know that Ed recently lost his grandmother. Well . . . before she began to lose her bearings she and Ed's gramp discussed handing down her engagement ring to Ed, and thusly, to me.

I could have cried to hear this.

The only reason I am aware of its occuring is because Ed wanted to make absolutely sure it would be something I was okay with (you know, having some dead lady's ring) . . . but I'll be goddamned if that isn't the sweetest most heartfelt thing I've ever been involved in, ever. They thought and think so highly of me that they would let me continue the wearing of a ring with a precedent of 70+ solid years of pure, true love? I nearly cried upon hearing of this gift. No one has ever thought of me so well. I thought her bands went with her to eternity. I'm just . . . so incredibly honoured to continue on with her love.

{blog.healia.com}

Ed tells me it's beyond beautiful. I know I'm sure to see it soon. And yes, the suspense is killing me.